Dear Johnny Appleseed

Every woman on Earth probably spent tonight crying their hearts out during opening night of Dear John.

Nicholas Spark's is a genius. He crafts his stories out of all the sappy dreams and ideas of romance that stupid women, well, dream of. His movies are dumb, but he is rich. Him and the Twilight lady should hook up. I watched A Walk To Remember which was okay, then a little bit of The Notebook which was "okaaaay....???" and then I heard about Dear John and I was like "Okay, wtf."

I'm not watching the movie but here's my Dear John synopsis.

John is a super tough Army dude. Everyone's scared of him because they thing he's grumpy, has epic temper tantrums, and will basically bust a cap in yo ass with a gun that he's not allowed to have when he's not at drill or whatever. PS, he probably wears his dogtags all the time because that's what Army dudes do.

Savannah is the perfect Christian girl with morals, school smarts, and she's conveniently hot AND virginal! One day her purse gets dropped into 4 ft of ocean water and the super tough Army dude saves her purse and they fall in love.

Savannah forgives John for being a grumpy, scary Army dude because she's a good, forgiving Christian. It's like Beauty and the Beast and they fall in love. She's not scared of him either because nobody would dare take advantage of a sweet, virginal, Christian girl.

John decides to reenlist in the Army after September 11th. Savannah agrees to write him a letter for the 12 months that he's gone. It's bad luck enough that his name is John because a "Dear John" letter, with origins from WWII (so00 vintage! Go Savannah!) is one in which a girl usually sends to her man to dump him while he's overseas.

The dude that Savannah picked over John is Tim. Tim is sick and probably a really nice Christian so he tells John "I only want her to be happy so marry her if I die. And please don't bone her until AFTER you're officially married. Because that'll be bad." John, pretending to be the bigger man says "Naw, fuck that. I was out there defending our country and she dumped me. But it'll sound a whole lot more romantic if I say, 'No Tim, you're a great guy, you'll get better and marry her.'" And Tim says "Wow, you're nice" and him and Savannah get married.

Cheating is bad but John catches Savannah staring at the moon (their inside joke) so he is reassured that she still wants him. The end.

Really awful synopsis for a really awful movie. I should do one of these for Legion!

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