Happy Fucking Holidays

What is the purpose of asking me, AT THE STORE, what I want for Christmas, buying something on sale (more like a great steal) that we both agreed on, then telling me a week later that I have to pay half of the cost back to you?! 

Menopause. No wait, you're too young for menopause, it's just PMS. kjhwlkhflksjdhfasdk.


She took a tumble

Went snowboarding with great friends today. The park wasn't so great...too many of those damn ski moguls. BAD NEWS for boarders. I tried to do a slight turn, hit a hump, and tumbled down the mountain. I didn't hurt anything, but I flipped and rolled and slid and flopped for a good 30 seconds. Only Max and my dad were with me, so back at the lodge Max explained to everyone else that I "took a little tumble"

Kind of an understatement...oh well, less embarassing for me.



It's terrifying. Like in Jeux d'enfants when the two main characters leave their spouses to be together after taking separate paths that eventually led them back to the beginning. You're happy because reason says they should to be together. But do you ever think about the ones left behind? 

You say you feel empty all the time...maybe I'm not the one.


I've got it!

So I figure the reason I don't write in this is because I don't have pictures to post along with my entries. I am a very visual person and I hate looking at my own blog because it's all words. So, voila, pictures. I also lost my camera charger, hence the lack of ANY event photos.

My mom bought me a serger (overlock) as a Christmas gift. What it does is it clean finishes the edge of the fabric and allows room for stretch. It's great for knit fabrics or those silky fabrics to prevent fraying.

I forgot what homework assignment I was working on, but Dookie took a nap in my fabric pile. So cute!


Fuck. I have to sew a dress in a day. I think about how bad I am with spreading out my homework schedule throughout the week to even out my stress level and the thing is...I'm doing homework all week! I never have enough time to get ahead. I'm always at a constant routine of being extremely stressed on Wednesday night. Last Thursday I didn't go to school...and magically I have an entire dress due this Thursday. And somehow I don't even have my patterns done yet. At least I enjoyed my "sick" day last week. =)

It's okay, I can lose sleep tomorrow...but I wonder how behind I am...
I complain about school so much! I should just drop out!



I don't write in here as often as I should.

My heart fluttered in Gossip Girl when Blair hugged Chuck as he cried. Ohmahgaw.

I have 3 days of school left...all going to be hellish, but I really don't care! I hate school. I'm an ass for going to an expensive one, but A's don't really matter in fashion school. Your portfolio does. And it's all about who you know.

I can't wait for this week to be over!


I want

I want to work more than 2 days a week.
So I can make money.
So I can buy gifts for my well deserving family and friends.
I want to sew things that I actually feel like sewing.
I want to design my own things.
I want to play guitar.
I want to clean my room.
I want to exercise.
I want to clean up that entire living room that my homework devoured.
I want to socialize and not feel stressed midway through the night.
I want to feel awake and energetic.

TWO MORE WEEKS GIRL, TWO MORE WEEKS!!!! It's almost overrr...


This Morning.

Not to be all fashion-y but I read this quote from Marc Jacobs and it really changed the way I think!

“I really have a good attitude about tattooing. When I first got one, two years ago, I was like, ‘I’m not going to overthink this or what it means, or what it’s going to be like when I’m 80. I want to get tattooed today, and in five weeks, I’ll get a SpongeBob tattoo.’ Will I regret it someday? I don’t know, but I’m not going to deny myself this pleasure today because of what I don’t know in the future.” -Marc Jacobs, Rolling Stone

Marc Jacobs' tattoos include: Spongebob, the red M&M, a Simpsonized version of himself, a couch, "Bros before Hos", and more...


This doesn't mean I'm going to go out and get a tattoo of Pikachu or something; this relates to a lot more than ink. For example, I currently have a shitload of homework to do, and if I don't start now, I expect to get less than 4 hours of sleep a day starting Sunday. I'll probably call in sick for work on Tuesday to do more homework, and I'll also be expecting to spend 15 hours a day at school. Why? Because it's Thanksgiving, and I'd rather be spending quality time with Nikko, paint (something I haven't done in AGES), and start on my feather hair pieces. I guess my situation is different because I can sort of guess how miserable I'll be once this weekend is over, but it's okay. I will completely enjoy my day and remind myself that doing bad in school does not define my career. =)

Be THANKFUL you have an excuse like today!


Once in a lifetime post.

All weekend I worked for the Western Band Association Championship. It was a lot smaller than previous years and boy, was it tiring! I basically handled the award ceremony for A, AA, AA (Bands with 100 or less members) Prelims on Saturday and Finals on Sunday. It was extremely hectic since awards is always a LAST SECOND deal. I couldn't have done it without the help of Suwanna, Nikko, and Bill. =) I got paid $200 for over 20 hours of work but I'm working my way up. Last year I worked all weekend for free as a volunteer. I'm getting there. It's much more rewarding for me to be working behind the scenes with the competition production in comparison to being a performer because I honestly lost so much passion for the sport when my director got switched my junior year of high school. It's crazy to see all these kids so, so, so passionate about what they do. Hate to be cocky, but this is how it is....there are kids that perform 100% in shows that are jack shit, but they still love what they do. In retrospect, I loved having the experience of being in colorguard, especially one that never lost (hah), but a lot of the time I dreaded practice and stuff. I definitely enjoy being part of the organizational team that SUPPORTS the kids more passionate than I was.

I doubt this would ever happen but I WISH I could be a colorguard "costume consultant" or something. Less is more! Colorguard costumes are so tacky! Why do they need to be highlighter colors? Why would you make boys (even if they're gay) wear bodysuits?!?!?! Why would you provide tight, spandex bodysuits for an all-girl team of different proportions? Consistently through the 8 years I've been in colorguard, schools have put boys in tights where you could see every contour of his private parts, low rise pants that slip and obviously show crack and thong, colors that clash BADLY, nonsensical neon colors, unforgiving spandex...the list goes on. Certain colors and attention to the varying body types of your performers really makes a difference. Hello?! A pleasing color scheme grabs your attention and seriously up your Visual and General Effect score. This one high school featured full, rubbery black bodysuits which worked in favor for a few of the girls...except for two, where you could see the entire shape of her round belly pouring over and the dimples of her thunder thigh cellulite. I'm not milking this observation, I am telling nothing but the truth. Even my own alma mater...with a show based on Shangri La, had neon shirts and pants and the boys had brown fur coats. Just dreadful.

I can try to work my way into getting an internship with Fred J. Miller, top colorguard/marching band uniform company...but they're based in Ohio! I can also get a job with the Sacramento school district...but it's Sacramento....what to do...



Today I did 15 hours of homework and I'm nowhere near done. It's a never ending cycle! I have to pick up my act because this entire weekend I'm going to be extremely busy working for Western Band Championships. Last year, we had our own little room for judging tapes and there was a lot of down time so now I know to bring some homework. Then, Mama V tells me that at Cal State East Bay they don't have a judging booth! It's just a tent thingy at the top of the seats. My goodness. Mama V also said that she gave my phone number to a bunch of people and now I feel really pressured to get a Blackberry. My stupid phone freezes and runs out of battery really quickly.

My parents are going to Hawaii for Thanksgiving break and I really wanted to go somewhere nice and warm but A.) I'll have hw and B.) I promised to plan a snowboarding trip. They offered Sam to go and she didn't want to! Loser!

It's supposed to be therapeutic to get to vent on this thing but I'm really stressed about getting at least 6 hours of sleep and also finding my bustier drape.

Maybe later. Peace!



A little over 2.5 hours ago, I voted.

I went to Walmart, bought a few things, got some ink for my printer at OfficeMax, and came home. I check my email, and on the Yahoo homepage, it says "A Historical Moment".

Obama won!!! Never have I ever felt so good about being an American citizen. I am proud to be a part of this amazing country. Where I have a voice, where change is possible. This land of opportunity is a real gift.

I look forward to what this country will grow in to.

Relief!!! I am really excited for the positive change. And the music on ABC right now is almost making me tear.



The rules of tagging are:
1. Post the rules on your blog
2. Write 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post

1.) I'm excited to graduate in June because I feel like it would be so worthwhile. School is completely exhausting right now. I'm working so hard, to the very tip of my mental and physical capacity. At first I was truly worried about being the "new girl" since FIDM SF is a small campus and all the students have been in the same classes since first quarter but I'm sadly GREATFUL to be alone all the time because I get more work done. Really, really unlike my usual self. My house is a mess because I get home from school, scarf down dinner while I do hw, do hw until 2am, and go to my bedroom and pass out. My bedroom is a disaster; I change clothes, dump them on the floor and sleep, wake up, change clothes and leave. Exhausted. I bring my hw to my work place too. And I haven't showered in 2 days. (I don't sweat or excercise so I don't stink, thank goodness)

2.) At the same time I wish I could quit school. The whole hustling, trying to get your name out, finding networks and contacts is so appealing to me. I just want to up and leave and move to New York. I worked so hard and finally got my big break in LA with an amazing internship for Marilyn Heston, thanks to Renee Young (event planner and designer of the black dress from My Chemical Romance's 'Helena' vid) and I had to move back because the price of school and rent COMBINED created serious financial strain on my family. If I was just working on my own, I could have afforded to pay for my living expenses at the least. Honestly, in the fashion industry, it's about who you know.

3.) I'm very passionate about San Francisco. It's a beautiful city, the cleanest of the 5 major cities on my list (LA, NY, CHI, MIA, SF), it's bustling, and it's still growing. My Creative Draping teacher is part of this "fashion" committee for San Francisco, she works with Mayor Gavin Newsom, Ex-Mayor Willie Brown, and other major industry players to discuss plans on how to make San Francisco a bigger scene in the fashion/entertainment industry. I really love San Francisco, the fashion is just as amazing but not as mainstream as New York and what entertainment industry we have here is much classier than LA. I really want to be a part of the growth of this city; to make it something bigger. I couldn't tell you my full plan, but it would be amazing if it could work out.

4.) I really respect the male sex and I feel like women give them less credit than they deserve. I dislike men that disrespect their women and I dislike women that disrespect their men. Which is probably why I only think of Vivian, Kelly, and Lalida as my best girlfriends. What's weird is that I have more valuable guy friends than girl friends, mainly because my old girl "friends" abuse their significant others' kindness. I also use what my guy friends complain about to shape myself into being a cooler girlfriend.

5.) I love to spend money. I love clothes, I love taking my friends out to dinner, I love spoiling my mom, I love buying great gifts for people. I am frugal with my money though. I wouldn't spend money on anything that I didn't think was valuable. I told my mom, "I better get a high paying job because I love spending money." She looked at me with this shocked expression on her face and said, "I thought you were going to say, 'I need to marry a rich guy!'" =)

6.) Hopeless romantic. Seriously. I want a guy that comes with a beautiful story. He could be my high school sweetheart, childhood friend, someone I met through an old mutual friend, etc. I also wouldn't cry about he guy unless the situation was truly heartbreaking. Yes, pathetic.

I don't have 6 friends on blogger. So do it if you want and let me know!


2 down, 2 to go.

Last night I finished my Pattern Drafting homework, which was to sew up the bodice that I created patterns for ALL BY MYSELF! Basically, in that class we learned how to create patterns according to body measurements; as in I can create clothing TAILORED just for you! Not that I would because I have too much homework and not enough sleep. 
Today I went to school and finished my Computer Aided Fashion Design hw, which was to illustrate flats on Adobe Illustrator. This week we did tailored suits. I started to work on my flats for my collection (another assignment) but the school kicks us out by 3:30. It was ridiculous! This window pops up on all the computers simultaneously that says something like...save all your stuff and "the system will be shut down by the system administrator in _ _ _ _" and it literally counts down from 15 minutes. 

I bought this 32 oz. can of rubber cement. I couldn't tell you how happy I was to get a student discount on it at the local art supply store. San Francisco is so nice. =) I love rubber cement!

Here's a pic of a wall in my living room. This room divider use to be in my bedroom but now it's downstairs so I can hide my messy rolls of muslin, papers, patterns, and projects behind it. I've also been forcing myself to do crunches on that blue yoga ball. Yesterday I was so tired that I just...rolled over and fell off the ball! It was hilarious, I was just so tired and delusional.

Okay, back to work. It actually feels better to just vent on here about how stressful my day is; rather than keeping it all in my head.

xo, Stargirl.

So Tired!

I am so tired all the effing time! Here's my school schedule:

Monday 12:00 - Pattern Drafting Procedures (6 hrs.)
Wednesday 8:30 Computer Grading, Marking, & Cutting (3 hrs.)
12:00 Creative Design Applications (3 hrs.)
Thursday 12:00 Computer Aided Fashion Design (3 hrs.)
3:00 Creative Draping II (3 hrs.)

I only have one morning class, but every day that I have school, I get there at 7:45am. It's basically a MUST that I go to school that early because the BART parking lot fills up by 8:30. It also gives me time to do homework. I feel safer going to school that early because BART to San Francisco takes a good 30+ minutes and I have a difficult time calculating time plus distance.

So what I'm really trying to complain about is the fact that I'm at school for 11 hours a day for 2 days, and 8 hours on the other. Damn.

My work schedule is:
Tuesday 8 - 5
Friday 8- 5

I also go to school on Saturdays 9ish to 2ish to do my computer homework, which requires the use of Adobe Illustrator. I can't seem to find a free download of it ANYWHERE on torrent websites for Mac, plus I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to print my homework at school on the color printers because school computers are all PC's. Adobe Illustrator for full price is about $600, and a student discount website sells it for $200 (still a lot). That's why I have to go to school. Ugh.

By the way, I've also been going to the temple to play music again. Music is probably the most brain stimulation I get, other than pouring over numbers of students at work and dividing inches at school. It's absolutely ridiculous how bad my memory has gotten; I learned music on Tuesday and went back to practice on Friday with no clue. Luckily I have all year.

And why am I up at 2:15 in the morning when I have to wake up at 8 to go back to school?! Because I'm stupid. More so because I'm going to be exhausted anyway.

More to add to my sad life...I decided to be nice and make my sister's Halloween costume. She's going to be Max from Where the Wild Things Are. Hell no I am not doing it from scratch. I've been having her cut out the pattern pieces and I'm just sewing it together and adjusting the size. I'm also making my own Halloween costume (Pocahontas) because for work I get to go to the elementary schools to read books to the kiddies!

Another damn thing to add is that FIDM is involved with St. Vincent De Paul Society so there's a contest that the fashion design students are required to enter. We get a bunch of unwearable thrifty clothing, deconstruct it, and create something new. Selected garments will get featured in a fashion show, and selected "winning" garments will be featured at the freaking De Young Museum. So...stressed to the max, but I really want to do well and not produce a shit garment.

Ok. it's nearly 2:30. Peace. nvm, shoot me please!!!


Hard Times

I feel a little empty now. Less angry, less sad, less broken. Like a shadow or a memory of an open wound. A little less feeling; numb, if you will.

One of my downfalls is how uncomfortable I get with words. My phrases. The conversation. I tend to never say what I need to say; not because I refuse to share my feelings, but because I can't seem to get the words straight. I can't seem to vocally execute the pictures, moments, feelings in my head. I see the scene as it would on film; I can play it back, move it forward, in flashes, pause it, and slow motion. But the words never come clearly.

I forever told myself I would never be the embarrassing girlfriend; the one that pussywhips her other, spends his money, abuses his kindness, but the worst of them all: arguing in public. No, we didn't really argue, but there was a definite misunderstanding that went on in front of his friends.

I don't know how to completely appreciate this friendship we have when I am completely heartbroken at the same time. Being the one broken up with and having to listen to you speak about trying to meet other people; only remaining composed and positive when you also tell me that you were unsuccessful. Wanting to do everything you ask because I love you so much, even when I'm never involved with your special plans. Wanting to completely better myself as a person since I'm not good enough for you and your church. Your last kiss was so posionous, a cancer, but at the same time I feel your warmth spread through my body. The moment your lips left my cheek, I melted, but not the romantic way that I use to. This time it was like you were stealing the last of my happiness because of the reality that I can never kiss you back. I'm not allowed to...

I'm truly happy you're doing better. Being "the man I've always wanted to be". You had the positive reason to move one, I don't have one at all. All I had was the love we shared. But I think it's best you just leave me be. I can't be a good friend right now.