This transition part sucks.
As a designer, I've been conditioned for 2.5 ridiculous years to take one thing that inspires me and distort it, change it, flip it, invert it, crop it, smooth it...INTERPRET it as many different ways as possible so that I can create for myself a huge array of garments from which I can pick out the 12-14 pieces that make up a collection.
I am conditioned to take an idea and run with it. Movement, adaptation, and growth. Very important.
So what's going on now is that with my newly graduated ass, I am ready to explore; ready to move, ready to search, ready to work, ready to act the adult part. But my parents are strapping me to the ground; threatening me with paying rent, car insurance, a lease on the car, health, cell phone, and internet. Because you've got to AFFORD to be an adult.
I never expected my parents to let me have the easy way out but GOD THIS SUCKS. As a parent, you should be nurturing and guiding and kind. Give the kid what they need to grow and remind them to thank you for what you have been given. It's like begging for water but being charged for it first. I feel like I am in prison. I am under a contract. I thought about driving to Roseville but I swear they'd call the cops on me for a stolen vehicle. I thought paying off my school loans for the next ten years was going to be my prison but no, it goes far beyond that.
All because they made a big deal out of me wanting to go to the bf's house for dinner. They say I don't spend enough time with my family (they ate and drank scotch around a full dinner table while the kids stayed upstairs). They say I don't need a relationship; that I should be focusing on my career--HELLO, its the fucking holiday and everything is closed. I just wanted one fucking day.
They also said that "it doesn't matter what good or bad things you do because in the Asian culture people are always going to talk" FUCK that. The more they bring up "Thai Society" or "Asian culture" or "you're not FULL American"...it just makes me want to punch a wall. First of all, the only way anything bad could have leaked was if they spread the news themselves. Second, I've done a shitload of fucking work, more work than any of my friends who attend respectable UC's so shutthefuckup. I've worked my ass off during MY Finals week and time and time again its the same kids that get the recognition for being pretty, speaking Thai, attending a UC, and generally sucking up to all the old people. I don't need the recognition, I just want the assholes who talk bad about me (if there are any like my parents say...) they should at least consider what I have done.
I am a people-pleaser. I work hard, I sweat, I hurt, I am well-presented, I'm there first, I'm the last to leave, I'm there 110%, I volunteer, I smile, I'll do the bitch-work. I suck it up, I'll gain your trust, I want you to rely on me. I'm 90% sure if you were to ask any of the the 30+ coworkers, volunteer coordinators and and other connections I've done work with...they'd have something good to say about me and my work. The other 10% involves the folks who probably don't remember me because I don't talk much. The only people who have a problem with me are my own parents.
I've hardly got my own life to live right now. It's just bills. My bedroom is the only sanctuary I've got. And then I get to see Killer for New Years Eve. After that he's back to Irvine and "I don't know when we'll see each other" he said. How tragic.
***
Also, I googled my name and found a blog that mentioned Rodney. I think he may have found the same info as myself, a band's website whose album was dedicated to him and another guy "whose lives were taken much too soon" but his blog finished off in a short sentence that Rodney killed himself.
Rodney's cause of death has always been veiled...to this day I'm still unsure of how it happened. I clearly remember my dad asking my uncle a few years after his passing about how it happened and he didn't give us an answer.
I've always thought of Rodney as being good enough; that whoever lives Upstairs and controls our lives' on/off switch thought he was awesome enough to get to move on to the next life. I knew he was crazy busy, stressed out, and probably lonely. Our age difference prevented me from ever getting to be his "go-to" person if he needed a friend or someone to complain to but I still wish over and over that he could have been mine.
I've got Killer. He's my safety net, and he's not going anywhere :)
Showing posts with label catastrophe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label catastrophe. Show all posts
12/28/09
11/30/09
Everything You Haven't Seen
A couple of weeks ago was the Mr. Hyphen pageant, a really cheesy competition for Asian American men with a $1000 prize for the charities of their choice. My good friend Golfy won and the money was split between Janet Liang of HelpingJanet.com, a beautifulyoungintelligent girl that is fighting leukemia, and the Thai American Scholarship.
Just recently, Golfy's win was posted in the NYTimes! Someone dreadful also uploaded videos of his really ridiculous talent portion. I've grown accustomed to working behind the scenes. The stage is not my thing anymore, I wasn't comfortable, and I really didn't want to be up there. So why am I showing you the videos? Because the people that read this should know a little bit more about me than the people on Facebook. Oh, internet...
The unofficial afterparty was at Mua. I was a tranny hot mess. I chugged 3 Adios' and adiosed the fuck out.
Fast forward a couple weeks later and I'm hanging out with my favorite person. =) I spent Thanksgiving weekend driving back and forth with Killer between Roseville and Union City because my mom doesn't care too much for the mileage and gas and the environment.
On the Friday after Thanksgiving we headed to Union Square for the Tree Lighting Ceremony. Killer and I arrived a little late and IT WAS SOOO PACKED. We managed to find our little gate "VIP Entrance", told the PR Lady my full name, Killer's full name, and then we walked through this absolutely clear entrance away from the sardine-packed crowds of people. =)
We ended up hanging out stage right =)
From what I heard the event wasn't so great (the parts we missed). I'm just glad I didn't have to hang out in the sea of people =)
Saturday, watched Transiberian Orchestra with Jump, Pig, and Killer. Arco Arena is a piece of shit with it's nasty plastic seats. The concert was wonderful when the musicians didn't sing. Overall the concert was very 80's, and I HATE the music of the 80's. Also, lots of hair-whipping. LOTS.
Secret game. =)
This past Wednesday, I was driving home from work and got rear ended by some idiot. I was on Decoto near Vintage Courts and the guy that hit me really fucked up his car. Someone braked late at the red light which caused a chain reaction. I was far back, driving below speed limit, so I braked fine and it was totally obvious that the guy behind me was speeding and not paying attention. It sounded awful; I heard glass, saw the smoke right away, and the sound of the impact kept replaying in my head a few hours after. When I, and the lady in front of me whose car I got pushed into, pulled over...the idiot sped off! I was fine, the lady in front of me was fine. Surprisingly there wasn't too much damage to our cars especially with how bad it sounded. My exhaust was smashed/folded down, my bumper was hanging a little low, and I can't open the trunk anymore. I was just surprised that nothing was smashed in. A very nice guy on his bike called the cops for us, and another guy showed up 2 minutes later to say that he followed the jerk after he sped off and told us the make of his car. He also said the guy was swerving before the crash.
It took me 2+ years to trust myself behind the wheel, but folks, don't forget that you CAN'T trust the drivers around you. Whether or not you're on a bike or walking or driving. Be safe! Don't be a late braker. Aaand, if you're walking...even if the Walk Man lights up, be careful of idiots that go crazy for those green turn lights. In LA I nearly got plowed by this truck. The ASSHOLE slammed on the brakes, looked at me, then sped off. He didn't even say sorry. I was so mad, so mad that I couldn't do anything...that I cried. Haha.
Back to homework.
Another hint for Killer:
-Ribbon
Just recently, Golfy's win was posted in the NYTimes! Someone dreadful also uploaded videos of his really ridiculous talent portion. I've grown accustomed to working behind the scenes. The stage is not my thing anymore, I wasn't comfortable, and I really didn't want to be up there. So why am I showing you the videos? Because the people that read this should know a little bit more about me than the people on Facebook. Oh, internet...
The unofficial afterparty was at Mua. I was a tranny hot mess. I chugged 3 Adios' and adiosed the fuck out.
Fast forward a couple weeks later and I'm hanging out with my favorite person. =) I spent Thanksgiving weekend driving back and forth with Killer between Roseville and Union City because my mom doesn't care too much for the mileage and gas and the environment.
On the Friday after Thanksgiving we headed to Union Square for the Tree Lighting Ceremony. Killer and I arrived a little late and IT WAS SOOO PACKED. We managed to find our little gate "VIP Entrance", told the PR Lady my full name, Killer's full name, and then we walked through this absolutely clear entrance away from the sardine-packed crowds of people. =)
We ended up hanging out stage right =)
From what I heard the event wasn't so great (the parts we missed). I'm just glad I didn't have to hang out in the sea of people =)
Saturday, watched Transiberian Orchestra with Jump, Pig, and Killer. Arco Arena is a piece of shit with it's nasty plastic seats. The concert was wonderful when the musicians didn't sing. Overall the concert was very 80's, and I HATE the music of the 80's. Also, lots of hair-whipping. LOTS.
Secret game. =)
This past Wednesday, I was driving home from work and got rear ended by some idiot. I was on Decoto near Vintage Courts and the guy that hit me really fucked up his car. Someone braked late at the red light which caused a chain reaction. I was far back, driving below speed limit, so I braked fine and it was totally obvious that the guy behind me was speeding and not paying attention. It sounded awful; I heard glass, saw the smoke right away, and the sound of the impact kept replaying in my head a few hours after. When I, and the lady in front of me whose car I got pushed into, pulled over...the idiot sped off! I was fine, the lady in front of me was fine. Surprisingly there wasn't too much damage to our cars especially with how bad it sounded. My exhaust was smashed/folded down, my bumper was hanging a little low, and I can't open the trunk anymore. I was just surprised that nothing was smashed in. A very nice guy on his bike called the cops for us, and another guy showed up 2 minutes later to say that he followed the jerk after he sped off and told us the make of his car. He also said the guy was swerving before the crash.It took me 2+ years to trust myself behind the wheel, but folks, don't forget that you CAN'T trust the drivers around you. Whether or not you're on a bike or walking or driving. Be safe! Don't be a late braker. Aaand, if you're walking...even if the Walk Man lights up, be careful of idiots that go crazy for those green turn lights. In LA I nearly got plowed by this truck. The ASSHOLE slammed on the brakes, looked at me, then sped off. He didn't even say sorry. I was so mad, so mad that I couldn't do anything...that I cried. Haha.
Back to homework.
Another hint for Killer:
-Ribbon
11/25/09
All I See
I had a crazy weekend which consisted of everything but homework.
Saturday
Woke up at the asscrack of dawn, no, before that, at 5am. Packed up too much stuff, and the kids, then headed to Fresno. My sister's very kind friend offered to drive, smashed on the 99 and we arrived an hour early...about 8am. Call time was 9am, which was still an hour before showtime. Found a Starbucks - THANKGOD - and even the cashier, some guy that looked like he shoulda been playing defense for some football team, said "Damn, you're here early." Goodness I love that. I am NOT a morning a person and when I go to Starbucks and my drug (caffeine) dealers are all cheerful and happy and chirping I just want to shoot them. I like when my drug dealers are as grumpy as I am. I ended up being veryyyy content with my coffee because that sustained me for about...half of the day before realizing I needed to eat real food to feel better...around 4pm.
Arrived at Koligian Stadium for 1/2/3A Prelims promptly at 9am - after heading the wrong fucking direction - I HATE Fresno. Set up trophies, btw I got to drive a golf cart which I ended up NOT liking, and got the feel of the venue. Once the show started I kinda screwed up the exchange of tapes (I can't blame my kids) so I decided to just handle tape exchanges myself. I hardly ate anything the whole day, had 1 bottle of water, and did a shitload of stairs and running to hospitality. I was really pleased with how kind the hospitality women were to me because they were bitches to everyone else. I sort of abused their kindness by snagging food for my volunteers. Anyways, the day was soooo long and the whole time I wished Killer was around. We were both experiencing a long, sucky day but not experiencing it together...but if we were together then the day wouldn't be sucky.
By the end of the night I was SPRINTING back and forth between the center field and the Stat room because all 44 school folders needed complete Recaps which can't be printed until the last school's performance scores are tallied. The Godfather (George) asked me to handle trophies first and while I was arranging all 24 trophies/3 banners/3 boxes of medals/Yamaha prizes, the school bands were doing this weird thing where the percussion marches up to the awards table and shows off. I had worked with WBA 3 times and NEVER seen that happen before, so while I'm arranging trophies this one school is drumming TWO FEET away from the table. My ass was practically sitting on the first snare's drum lol. Eventually they move over and ANOTHER BAND replaces them. The fuck! Let me do my job!
After finishing up the trophies I run back to Stat to get the envelopes which have all scores, mp3's, dvd's, and recaps...turns out we have a computer problem with the numbers, then the announcers went ahead with Awards. I run back and THEN...end up having to walk with the drum major (presenting) of the host school because she has to MARCH AND SALUTE and couldn't have her hands full goddammit. So I was dressed and looking like a messy fool on the field handing off trophies.
***And all that stuff rightbefore the actual handing off of the awards was within a 10 minute time frame. Suck.
Finally, awards was over and One and I DEFROSTED in the heated Stat room. We were the last people to leave because Sam and company at the 4/5A site were taking their sweet time so I called up Killer <3. Now, by this time I finally had a chance to sit down for something longer than 5 minutes and I felt AAALLL my muscles and sore feet from the entire day.
It was completely lovely having Killer around the end of the night. It was like my reward for a bitch of a day. However, I also felt bad that first he had a bitch of a day then had a bitch of a drive to get up to Fresno. =/ We checked into the hotel, which was also VERY lovely. I was soooo tired that I felt stoned/drunk/nauseous and I couldn't eat my In-N-Out. Killer also told me that he picked LAPD =)
Sunday
Woke up at 8am. I sooo did not want to get out of bed. Got dressed, had a crappy hotel breakfast surrounded by rude high schoolers that were bunked at our hotel. I bet they lost. I hate high school kids. Headed to Buchanan HS for Championships after a quick detour to Starbucks for more coffee. My sister was being a real bitch around that time. I can't remember the details but she said I owed her gas money, which no, I was NOT going to pay her back. She ALWAYS signs up for these trips and vacations with NO MONEY in her own pocket. And she expects me to pay for her. Hellooooo I paid for the 2nd hotel room which was s'posed to be for her friends that flaked. I only asked One to come with me on this trip and I woulda comp'd her for any expenses. I hate dealing with people that are just out-of-this world mean and unappreciative. Like her.
Anyways, this day was a whole lot more chill because Mama V wanted me to relax until awards which was super kind of her but that left me the whole day to sink into the pain and soreness my body was feeling and time to watch bands. I hate watching bands because they make me complain..and sometimes I forget to watch my mouth and my surroundings as far as supporting band parents go heh. There was this moment where Killer and I were watching bands from this secluded Top Box window and this Clovis East woman came in to shoo us out because there was money being counted on that side of the box. Killer said he "hates when people make emergencies out of nothing" and that summed up the situation perfectly. First of all, the parents counting the money ASKED Killer to help them (shoulda told the bitch that), second, I was a PAID EMPLOYEE of WBA, not some random volunteer, third, we had badges, fourth, what did we look like? Middle school kids? Thefuck, we were minding our own fucking business. I told Mama V about it, turns out the lady is a friend of a friend so I felt like I should be obligated to like her but geez. I was really irritated. Like really. And that woman couldn't tell that Killer and I were clearly more interested in each other and our private window overlooking the bands instead of the thousands of dollars being counted in the room next to us.
Awards this time around was definitely more chill, I think. I was/am very thankful for all the super enthusiastic volunteers helping me out and getting the work done until random kids start showing up, bossing each other around and taking over my duties. It kind of worries me, no way in the sense that I want to be in charge or anything, but because if anything is miscommunicated/screwed up MY name is on the line. Just like the tape exchange mishaps from Prelims. There was this once incident right before Finals awards where RIGHT when I was about to explain the next step this kid comes up and cuts me off and right away everyone listens to him, doing work on his order. I was JUST about to explain, he comes in, cuts me off, and I'm just frozen there with this flabbergasted expression on my face. And then they all go grabbing yard markers and CHUCKING them off the field. Awards is sort of supposed to be a dignified (trying to, lol) ceremony - which was why I was sooo embarrassed when I had to walk out with trophies during Prelims - I get it now...why I don't like crowds of people haha.
What else...there were fireworks AWESOME! Next year I'm going to try to pick out a song to be played during the fireworks presentation if they decide to do that again. We may have copyright problems. We'll see.
I was excited to get my part of the job over and done with but maaan, I didn't want Killer to leave =( And he kept asking me to stay =(
Saturday
Woke up at the asscrack of dawn, no, before that, at 5am. Packed up too much stuff, and the kids, then headed to Fresno. My sister's very kind friend offered to drive, smashed on the 99 and we arrived an hour early...about 8am. Call time was 9am, which was still an hour before showtime. Found a Starbucks - THANKGOD - and even the cashier, some guy that looked like he shoulda been playing defense for some football team, said "Damn, you're here early." Goodness I love that. I am NOT a morning a person and when I go to Starbucks and my drug (caffeine) dealers are all cheerful and happy and chirping I just want to shoot them. I like when my drug dealers are as grumpy as I am. I ended up being veryyyy content with my coffee because that sustained me for about...half of the day before realizing I needed to eat real food to feel better...around 4pm.
Arrived at Koligian Stadium for 1/2/3A Prelims promptly at 9am - after heading the wrong fucking direction - I HATE Fresno. Set up trophies, btw I got to drive a golf cart which I ended up NOT liking, and got the feel of the venue. Once the show started I kinda screwed up the exchange of tapes (I can't blame my kids) so I decided to just handle tape exchanges myself. I hardly ate anything the whole day, had 1 bottle of water, and did a shitload of stairs and running to hospitality. I was really pleased with how kind the hospitality women were to me because they were bitches to everyone else. I sort of abused their kindness by snagging food for my volunteers. Anyways, the day was soooo long and the whole time I wished Killer was around. We were both experiencing a long, sucky day but not experiencing it together...but if we were together then the day wouldn't be sucky.
By the end of the night I was SPRINTING back and forth between the center field and the Stat room because all 44 school folders needed complete Recaps which can't be printed until the last school's performance scores are tallied. The Godfather (George) asked me to handle trophies first and while I was arranging all 24 trophies/3 banners/3 boxes of medals/Yamaha prizes, the school bands were doing this weird thing where the percussion marches up to the awards table and shows off. I had worked with WBA 3 times and NEVER seen that happen before, so while I'm arranging trophies this one school is drumming TWO FEET away from the table. My ass was practically sitting on the first snare's drum lol. Eventually they move over and ANOTHER BAND replaces them. The fuck! Let me do my job!
After finishing up the trophies I run back to Stat to get the envelopes which have all scores, mp3's, dvd's, and recaps...turns out we have a computer problem with the numbers, then the announcers went ahead with Awards. I run back and THEN...end up having to walk with the drum major (presenting) of the host school because she has to MARCH AND SALUTE and couldn't have her hands full goddammit. So I was dressed and looking like a messy fool on the field handing off trophies.
***And all that stuff rightbefore the actual handing off of the awards was within a 10 minute time frame. Suck.
Finally, awards was over and One and I DEFROSTED in the heated Stat room. We were the last people to leave because Sam and company at the 4/5A site were taking their sweet time so I called up Killer <3. Now, by this time I finally had a chance to sit down for something longer than 5 minutes and I felt AAALLL my muscles and sore feet from the entire day.
It was completely lovely having Killer around the end of the night. It was like my reward for a bitch of a day. However, I also felt bad that first he had a bitch of a day then had a bitch of a drive to get up to Fresno. =/ We checked into the hotel, which was also VERY lovely. I was soooo tired that I felt stoned/drunk/nauseous and I couldn't eat my In-N-Out. Killer also told me that he picked LAPD =)
Sunday
Woke up at 8am. I sooo did not want to get out of bed. Got dressed, had a crappy hotel breakfast surrounded by rude high schoolers that were bunked at our hotel. I bet they lost. I hate high school kids. Headed to Buchanan HS for Championships after a quick detour to Starbucks for more coffee. My sister was being a real bitch around that time. I can't remember the details but she said I owed her gas money, which no, I was NOT going to pay her back. She ALWAYS signs up for these trips and vacations with NO MONEY in her own pocket. And she expects me to pay for her. Hellooooo I paid for the 2nd hotel room which was s'posed to be for her friends that flaked. I only asked One to come with me on this trip and I woulda comp'd her for any expenses. I hate dealing with people that are just out-of-this world mean and unappreciative. Like her.
Anyways, this day was a whole lot more chill because Mama V wanted me to relax until awards which was super kind of her but that left me the whole day to sink into the pain and soreness my body was feeling and time to watch bands. I hate watching bands because they make me complain..and sometimes I forget to watch my mouth and my surroundings as far as supporting band parents go heh. There was this moment where Killer and I were watching bands from this secluded Top Box window and this Clovis East woman came in to shoo us out because there was money being counted on that side of the box. Killer said he "hates when people make emergencies out of nothing" and that summed up the situation perfectly. First of all, the parents counting the money ASKED Killer to help them (shoulda told the bitch that), second, I was a PAID EMPLOYEE of WBA, not some random volunteer, third, we had badges, fourth, what did we look like? Middle school kids? Thefuck, we were minding our own fucking business. I told Mama V about it, turns out the lady is a friend of a friend so I felt like I should be obligated to like her but geez. I was really irritated. Like really. And that woman couldn't tell that Killer and I were clearly more interested in each other and our private window overlooking the bands instead of the thousands of dollars being counted in the room next to us.
Awards this time around was definitely more chill, I think. I was/am very thankful for all the super enthusiastic volunteers helping me out and getting the work done until random kids start showing up, bossing each other around and taking over my duties. It kind of worries me, no way in the sense that I want to be in charge or anything, but because if anything is miscommunicated/screwed up MY name is on the line. Just like the tape exchange mishaps from Prelims. There was this once incident right before Finals awards where RIGHT when I was about to explain the next step this kid comes up and cuts me off and right away everyone listens to him, doing work on his order. I was JUST about to explain, he comes in, cuts me off, and I'm just frozen there with this flabbergasted expression on my face. And then they all go grabbing yard markers and CHUCKING them off the field. Awards is sort of supposed to be a dignified (trying to, lol) ceremony - which was why I was sooo embarrassed when I had to walk out with trophies during Prelims - I get it now...why I don't like crowds of people haha.
What else...there were fireworks AWESOME! Next year I'm going to try to pick out a song to be played during the fireworks presentation if they decide to do that again. We may have copyright problems. We'll see.
I was excited to get my part of the job over and done with but maaan, I didn't want Killer to leave =( And he kept asking me to stay =(
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