Please, fix me!

I'm currently at the San Mateo Marriott where I caught a ride with my mom. The game plan was to get here, ride the hotel shuttle to SFO, then hop on BART from there to get to school off of the Powell station. An epic, drawn out journey (kinda like me and Killer's relationship, hehe) all because my mom didn't want to backtrack 15 minutes to drop me off at the BART station.

All of the Bay Area is a disaster due to that snapped cable on the Bay Bridge. The bridge has been really annoying lately: new S-curve, the truck that flipped, now this cable. This morning the freaking car pool lane was stop and go.

This hotel shuttle is pretty convenient for tourists (I just figured out, brain doesn't work this early) because a group of them on the bus with me, they sound English, are "riding Bart to Powell Street which will take us directly to Fishermans Wharf" haha.

And I miss my person. It's annoying just being naturally drawn to someone and then "poof" being apart from it. I shouldn't have gone up to the ticket counter when my name was called because it ultimately took me all of Monday, sorta Tuesday, sorta Wednesday to get over myself.

I care about him a whole lot more than I did let's say...a couple weeks back. My defense system has gone done and I realized that I could only love him as much as I was willing to hurt and it actually feels pretty amazing.

The only way he could hurt me is if he dies (we made a deal!) And does that count as a vice? I wouldn't mind myself being the honorable sort of person that dies protecting others only because I couldn't handle being alive to feel what the aftermath of his absense and what that'll feel like. It sounds and feels selfish, and I try so hard to see the honor/death package but I really want him around. I've wanted him for a long time and I can't imagine how I could move on. Even my mother says "You're setting yourself up for heartbreak" and I really don't want her to be right. I'd rather have her mad at me than right.