Short story short. I lie. I won't delete this. No lie.

Song of the Day: I don't know how to make links. Laugh.



It's funny that Duffy was featured on The Boat That Rocked soundtrack. I don't remember all the artists on the soundtrack, but from what I do remember, most of them were historically correct. Duffy, while her sound is on point, is only 23 years old.

Story. This is going to be EXTRA long, fyi. I owe a lot of talkage to Killer.

I'm not sure when I decided I had a thing for Killer. I'm not sure why I felt the way I felt about him when I was a wee little girl but it stuck. Like, it really stuck. He was this wild kid and I liked it. My mom thought he was a bad kid and I had already loved anything and everything that made her mad. He strangled me once over me, Stinky and Humper playing catch with his green watch. I still liked him. After that episode he ran to a shed, cried and talked to a turtle. I still liked him. He used to be buddybuddy with Dimples and one time she asked me "Do you miss him?" I said "No" and she was really mad at me for the rest of the day. I lied, I always missed him. Don't know why, but I did.

There was this time pretty much all the temple guys had a thing for Gnat. Humper, D-rek, Meejoh...I figured he did too. Maybe. I saw them sitting on the white leather couch and he was touching her hand. That sucked but no hard feelings.

In June 2000 we had a big performance with the temple. Pretty hilarious because I was there as a monkey and Killer was a horse. Still liked him, as silly as it sounds. November of 2000 a bunch of kiddos went to watch Charlie's Angels at the theater. I sat at the very far end and for some reason left a seat between him and I. I wanted so much to be in that empty seat next to him but I guess I wanted to deny myself such a pleasure.

Winter Season 2003. I was sitting on the second row of bleachers enjoying this colorguard show with great theatrical music and this awesome flag change. I noticed majority of the members were short, chunky girls with the same ugly ringlet curls. As the members finished and began gathering their equipment this scrawny guy came thisclose to where I was sitting to pick up some flags. I choked. No fucking way, it was him! Told my instructer I needed to go to the bathroom ASAP, ran outside, and just caught the back of his head as he walked away.

I found out he was a band geek so I gave him my friend's band's cd. Issue 10. I was trying to impress him, not with my musical taste but because I had really awesome friends. He liked it. Cool =)

Thailand. Summer 2004. The big kid group of musicians had to meet at Kru Off's house to practice for a televised performance and I remember arriving and seeing him already there practicing. "Yessss." Not sure what I was expecting but seeing him there was exciting. There's a whole lot I remember from that trip. Here goes.

I remember sitting in the back of a truck and complaining to him about my stupid ex-boyfriend and how convinced I was that McTwoFaced would wait for me. Killer was convinced otherwise. I wondered if maybe he had a secret agenda or personal interests backing the advice he gave me. In the end, he was right about McTwoFaced. Whomp Whomp.

I kinda diverted my attention to Mohawk, a kid from Chicago. He dressed nice which reminded me of McTwoFaced. He had a big nose which bugged me. I couldn't get Killer's attention so at least I could try to get Mohawk's. We talked a bit during and after the trip but nothin' special. Later I found out he was dating this girl that I thought he was related to. They looked alike I swear. I didn't figure it out until the end of the trip. Stupid.

At the Zombie Hotel, Killer walked me to my room. I'm not sure how we ended up alone or how he ended up walking me. We crossed this long deserted hall to reach the stairs and I remember I wanted that hall to stretch forever.

I can't remember when this happen but out of all girls from Chicago, Sars was the nicest. She talked to Melissa and I about Killer. Thought he was cute, wanted an introduction and all that. I should have just told her he was gay. But no, I decided to play nice.

Did a televised phone-in charity thing and I was the only person that had to dress up in full costume. I looked like an idiot. It dragged on to the early hours of the night and he left. With Sars. My night didn't get any easier or pleasant. I got dressed up in that stupid costume more than once for televised performances. Once I cried; I was so frustrated! The boys were useless for those televised things and got to go out and play. I had to get sewn into my costume which made me look like a fat idiot for hourssss, perform a boring dance, then try to compare to the exquisite Maykin sisters. But on top of all that tragic shit, him leaving with Sars really got me.

I sat by the window. He randomly took the empty seat beside it. Best bus ride evaarrrr.

The very last group excursion before we split. All I can remember, apart from me jumping off the fucking boat, full of people with only 6 people rowing, and swimming to shore in jeans and a tshirt, was that our entire bus was sitting there at the close of the event waiting for the one missing person, him. And the Chicago bus was sitting there waiting, for her. That sucked. I'm pretty sure I pretended to be interested in whatever happened. I wasn't. I don't think the kissed though, so that made it easier. Yea, I remember. Sars said "I got yelled at and in trouble for coming back to the bus late so we should have just kissed anyway." Sucks for you. And...sucks for me later.

On August 26, 2006 at 3:34am I receive this super unexpected email. This perfect email made me turn red, made my heart beat faster, made me anxious, made me wish I could go back to Thailand and try to change every moment I was thisclose to him. I had NO IDEA. No idea he even felt that way. I wasn't sure why he would feel that way about me but I wished that I could have just been a little brave and said something. Stupid girl. Really stupid. I had no idea.

Sometime later he came to the temple after a hiatus. He shaved his head and started wearing smaller t-shirts. He's only got about 5 shirts, all different colors, and the one he was wearing that day was red. I'm pretty darn sure it's the one I now have in my possession complete with holes and armpit stains. =P I spotted him, called out his name and he gave me this really big hug. It was unusual for me to be openly excited about seeing him and then giving him a hug but whatever. I think that was the first time we really touched apart from him choking me earlier.

Moved to LA for college and found him on Facebook. I was faithfully (haha) with McBible but talking to Killer, just as a friend, felt dangerous to me. A pleasing kind of dangerous. We only talked as friends but any sort of communication I could get from him was something I clung to. I tried to keep it cool but getting a letter from him in the mail made me so giddy. I tacked it to my wall by my bed. I convinced him to come up to LA in April of 2008, he met my roommates, we walked across town to Lost Souls Cafe, returned to the apartment and talked until 6 or 7am. I thoroughly enjoyed his company and his presence.

I kinda treated him like crap (unintentionally!!!) as we talked on and off since June 2008 and through to the next year. Talking, not talking. I couldn't leave McWishyWashy but every time he dumped me I knew I wanted someone more like Killer. He wasn't my rebound either. I was just stuck between the guy that broke my heart and the what-if guy that was going to be deployed. I was so sure McChurch was my "Person" but after all the breakups I wanted someone stronger and more decisive than I was. The saying is true, "treat your woman like dirt and she sticks to you like mud." Over and over McSmutty would dump me and come back and I just kept letting it happen. Him loving me couldn't compare to church and he wasn't going to love any more than he did the last time...I wasn't thinking. I thought I could change him, I thought my love was good enough, I really thought that love was all you needed and I let him in even when he didn't consider me his girlfriend. He only loved me when it was convenient; when he felt like it...when he couldn't pick up other girls at his stupid hipster clubs. I was vulnerable; wrapped around his finger. I found a real comfort in talking to Killer but I was so weak that I kept falling back into McBible's disease.

I never expected Killer to be around for me, but every time I called, he answered. I swear I thought I was dunzo with McFail by early 2009 but he came back crying and I felt bad so I let him back in. Things between us were okay, but even the dumbest person starts building up their emotional defense system after getting dumped 3+ times. I wish I stuck to what I wanted as opposed to feeling bad because I made a boy cry. I was so close to moving forward with Killer but I took a wrong/BAD turn. I felt awful for leaving him in the dark over and over but with the distance I figured he'd forget, or that he didn't even like me that much in the first place. Dumb move.

By May 2009 I finally accepted I'd have to convert and alter my ENTIRE being if I wanted a future with McPious so I initiated our real breakup; it ended up being a mutual understanding. There was no 'meet me halfway' point with him and the religion thing. Only his way. It hurt when we ended it but at the same time this HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Eventually I got talking to Killer again. But then there was this fyasko with a very pretty girl, Sars, the same one from the Thailand trip.

Sars told me he was being shady and I believed every word she said. Thinking that she was faithful to me as a girlfriend, since I got the ball rolling for her or whatever back in Thailand, I just took it all in. I was shocked. Stunned. This guy, we were kinda talking but we were supposed to be friends before anything else and he made me fall on my face. With most guys I was able to suck up my shyness and confront them, but with him I just wanted it to disappear. I avoided him entirely. I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. Sars devised a plan that I try to make a move on him the following weekend that me and him were going to meet up; that I flirt and try to kiss him and see if he would bring her up. I couldn't do it. First, not an actress, second, I didn't want to look at him. It hurt me to even think about him and there was no way I could pretend otherwise.

At the end of June, I still was avoiding him and watched Trailer Music Live with McSnorlax which was the DUMBEST choice ever because McNarcoleptic fell asleep anyway. And then I had to drive 4/5 of the way home from midnight to 5am.

July 2009. I finally called him to discuss what happened but only after a couple glasses of liquid courage. Nothing was really settled. I was stubborn and ready to accept that my life was going to be all tragedy. I told him I needed time but I didn't call back.

It's very unfortunate that more than once AND in the same year I reconnected with old friends only after the passing of another but I couldn't let myself let him go. I did well, calling everyone else to tell them she passed, stifling the tears. I felt the need to call him too, especially if he was deploying I wanted to talk to him as much as I could before he left. I offered him a flight up. We didn't really talk at all when he arrived in SF but later that night at Mua, yea, I took advantage of him and kissed him when he was all sorts of sloshed. We didn't bring it up the entire weekend. I later told Gnat about it, I thought it was an embarrassing mistake. "I wish it didn't happen, we're still not talking anyway." "But is he a good kisser?" "Slkdfhjgioudhgodi. Yes."

Following weekend, bonfire. Still no talking. I felt like I was struggling, trying to grasp at the ties that I cut myself. So, I had my Wingman do some prodding for me. I'm bad. But it worked. I was really desperate. =)

September 2009 We hung out in the city and I liked talking to him. But I wondered if we were better off as friends. I forget the order of the days again but we went to Mua again for D-rek's bday. A couple of drinks later we were holding hands under the table. He kissed my shoulder and I'm thinking I'm his already. Haha. Then, McBoozer outboozes everyone and ruined everyone's night. The next day McBoozer third wheels the ENTIRE day and then I end up not being able to go on with the secret plans I had with Killer in the city. I went outside to call my mom and I stayed out there for a while to cool off. I was genuinely pissed. So pissed that I didn't notice the paramedics with their flashing lights picking up some old lady from Joann's Fabrics next door. Next day me and Killer finally had the whole day to explore the city and talk and finally had our first real (sober) kiss. I didn't think he was going to officially ask me to be his girlfriend (sounds soooo elementary), which he did the next day. I figured he had to get a solid answer since I'm never vocal with what I'm thinking. We got to hang out for a little bit on that Tuesday before heading to the airport. He gave me this kiss before security where he took my face in his hands and lkjhfglkhfgldkhasdjh melting! That's also when I started noticing "the look" he would give me.

I thought I gave so much of myself to the last guy that I wouldn't get to feel this way about someone ever again. I've never known anyone to be so patient, someone who actually cared about the things I had to say not just because they were curious but because they wanted to understand. I feel pretty disastrous and lame and confusing and damaged and walled up but he's still around. Last night he and I briefly talked about fate: to be destined to happen, to turn out (verb) or the development of events beyond a persons control (noun). I don't really put faith into the things I can't control, see, or experience for myself. It is romantic, comforting and exciting to easily excuse ourselves from the real answers, but I'm still completely baffled that he's around. I play it over and over in my head. He's here. He's here, for me. AND he actually likes me. I made myself unattractive though, with the way I would bombard myself into his life as quickly as I disappeared. And he's still here. I've tried hard to impress him but it's usually the things I do on accident that he admires. Whatever, it's late and I'm tired. I'm very lucky (that's the romantical, exciting, comforting part) that I have him. Very lucky.