lifelong siesta

This transition part sucks.

As a designer, I've been conditioned for 2.5 ridiculous years to take one thing that inspires me and distort it, change it, flip it, invert it, crop it, smooth it...INTERPRET it as many different ways as possible so that I can create for myself a huge array of garments from which I can pick out the 12-14 pieces that make up a collection.

I am conditioned to take an idea and run with it. Movement, adaptation, and growth. Very important.

So what's going on now is that with my newly graduated ass, I am ready to explore; ready to move, ready to search, ready to work, ready to act the adult part. But my parents are strapping me to the ground; threatening me with paying rent, car insurance, a lease on the car, health, cell phone, and internet. Because you've got to AFFORD to be an adult.

I never expected my parents to let me have the easy way out but GOD THIS SUCKS. As a parent, you should be nurturing and guiding and kind. Give the kid what they need to grow and remind them to thank you for what you have been given. It's like begging for water but being charged for it first. I feel like I am in prison. I am under a contract. I thought about driving to Roseville but I swear they'd call the cops on me for a stolen vehicle. I thought paying off my school loans for the next ten years was going to be my prison but no, it goes far beyond that.

All because they made a big deal out of me wanting to go to the bf's house for dinner. They say I don't spend enough time with my family (they ate and drank scotch around a full dinner table while the kids stayed upstairs). They say I don't need a relationship; that I should be focusing on my career--HELLO, its the fucking holiday and everything is closed. I just wanted one fucking day.

They also said that "it doesn't matter what good or bad things you do because in the Asian culture people are always going to talk" FUCK that. The more they bring up "Thai Society" or "Asian culture" or "you're not FULL American"...it just makes me want to punch a wall. First of all, the only way anything bad could have leaked was if they spread the news themselves. Second, I've done a shitload of fucking work, more work than any of my friends who attend respectable UC's so shutthefuckup. I've worked my ass off during MY Finals week and time and time again its the same kids that get the recognition for being pretty, speaking Thai, attending a UC, and generally sucking up to all the old people. I don't need the recognition, I just want the assholes who talk bad about me (if there are any like my parents say...) they should at least consider what I have done.

I am a people-pleaser. I work hard, I sweat, I hurt, I am well-presented, I'm there first, I'm the last to leave, I'm there 110%, I volunteer, I smile, I'll do the bitch-work. I suck it up, I'll gain your trust, I want you to rely on me. I'm 90% sure if you were to ask any of the the 30+ coworkers, volunteer coordinators and and other connections I've done work with...they'd have something good to say about me and my work. The other 10% involves the folks who probably don't remember me because I don't talk much. The only people who have a problem with me are my own parents.

I've hardly got my own life to live right now. It's just bills. My bedroom is the only sanctuary I've got. And then I get to see Killer for New Years Eve. After that he's back to Irvine and "I don't know when we'll see each other" he said. How tragic.

***

Also, I googled my name and found a blog that mentioned Rodney. I think he may have found the same info as myself, a band's website whose album was dedicated to him and another guy "whose lives were taken much too soon" but his blog finished off in a short sentence that Rodney killed himself.

Rodney's cause of death has always been veiled...to this day I'm still unsure of how it happened. I clearly remember my dad asking my uncle a few years after his passing about how it happened and he didn't give us an answer.

I've always thought of Rodney as being good enough; that whoever lives Upstairs and controls our lives' on/off switch thought he was awesome enough to get to move on to the next life. I knew he was crazy busy, stressed out, and probably lonely. Our age difference prevented me from ever getting to be his "go-to" person if he needed a friend or someone to complain to but I still wish over and over that he could have been mine.

I've got Killer. He's my safety net, and he's not going anywhere :)

Not Cool

Nasty Gal Vintage is looking for a Customer Service Rep and I am so perfectly and completely qualified and I CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE I HAVE ONE 3-HOUR CLASS DURING THE WEEK!!! I am so sad. I was getting sick of school in the first place, I'm at the very very tail end of my education, on my way to getting my AA in Fashion Design, can't wait to get out, and now this unattainable job is RIGHT HERE IN MY FACE to bite me! It's so hard to find a decent fashion industry job in San Francisco that isn't retail-slavery, and this job oppurtunity combines fashion as well as my 2.5 years of experience in the clerical/admin field. UGH!!! My mom would kill me if I dropped no matter how many different ways I could show her my degree doesn't matter. I really want to drop but I know if I do now I won't go back to finish...

Monday, November 2

ABC: Jimmy Kimmel Live: Cobra Starship (r)
FUEL: The Daily Habit: Peter, Bjorn & John
MTV: It's On With Alexa Chung: Weezer
CBS: Late Show With David Letterman: Carrie Underwood
NBC: The Jay Leno Show: Mariah Carey
NBC: The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien: Tegan & Sara
NBC: Late Night With Jimmy Fallon: Say Anything
NBC: Last Call With Carson Daly: Arctic Monkeys (r)

how did i forget to watch tv tonight?!?! everything looks great except for carrie and mariah. i also forgot gossip girl...fortunately i recorded it.

Draw me that look

Now I'm at the SFO BART station, I've been sitting here for a good 5 minutes and the tourists I sat with on the bus JUST finished figuring out how to purchase tickets.

Anyways, this pathetic little entry is to continue complaining; this time to say "Gosh. How pathetic am I?" The last entry was sooo out of character. I guess that's what it's like for a feeler that does too much thinking? I am so sure my mood will improve once I get out of class today.

Ily

Please, fix me!

I'm currently at the San Mateo Marriott where I caught a ride with my mom. The game plan was to get here, ride the hotel shuttle to SFO, then hop on BART from there to get to school off of the Powell station. An epic, drawn out journey (kinda like me and Killer's relationship, hehe) all because my mom didn't want to backtrack 15 minutes to drop me off at the BART station.

All of the Bay Area is a disaster due to that snapped cable on the Bay Bridge. The bridge has been really annoying lately: new S-curve, the truck that flipped, now this cable. This morning the freaking car pool lane was stop and go.

This hotel shuttle is pretty convenient for tourists (I just figured out, brain doesn't work this early) because a group of them on the bus with me, they sound English, are "riding Bart to Powell Street which will take us directly to Fishermans Wharf" haha.

And I miss my person. It's annoying just being naturally drawn to someone and then "poof" being apart from it. I shouldn't have gone up to the ticket counter when my name was called because it ultimately took me all of Monday, sorta Tuesday, sorta Wednesday to get over myself.

I care about him a whole lot more than I did let's say...a couple weeks back. My defense system has gone done and I realized that I could only love him as much as I was willing to hurt and it actually feels pretty amazing.

The only way he could hurt me is if he dies (we made a deal!) And does that count as a vice? I wouldn't mind myself being the honorable sort of person that dies protecting others only because I couldn't handle being alive to feel what the aftermath of his absense and what that'll feel like. It sounds and feels selfish, and I try so hard to see the honor/death package but I really want him around. I've wanted him for a long time and I can't imagine how I could move on. Even my mother says "You're setting yourself up for heartbreak" and I really don't want her to be right. I'd rather have her mad at me than right.

I'm not normal!

Killer has been talking to me for what seems like the past few days about video games. I could really care less. I should tell him my opinion in person but I don't want to give him that pleasure yet. His last blog entry was aallll about video games too. Nothing about me =(

I've been really crabby and its my homework's fault. I won't be at ease until...Thursday, 6pm. I gave EVERYTHING into last weeks assignment and now I have to fix it up again. I've been letting myself sleep (sleeping lets me pretend my life is easy) but tomorrow is the final day before Week 4. =(

Beyond a Reason Why

I have no idea how to finish an entire collection in a week. Arkjlhsfgkljh

i miss you.

it's just 2 days of hell before I get to see you. I miss being able to wrap my arms around you, hold your hand, feel your warmth, everything. I think I'm going to bring my computer up to bed with me soon...just one more page of homework...

Draw me your eyes towards mine. Yes, MINE.

I do get a little crazy if I have a craving for something (usually) sugary or greasy. For about a week the fridge at my house had NO juice or soda OR even beer, not that I would drink it, but in all honesty the second fridge we have in the garage is not really for extra food but for anything alcoholic or the snacks that accompany it. Beer, champagne, wine, cheese, fruit, whatever. We had a carton of green tea flavoured (Blogger automatically underlines my spelling with that ugly red line denoting a misspelling but fuck you, it looks better.) soy milk that tastes like and has the consistency of mud, powder, paint, something.

Now we've got an abundance of Martinelli's Apple Juice. I HATE apple juice and on top of that they've replaced the cute, round glass bottles with plastic so now I don't have the incentive to drink them just to have flower vases.

I'm currently enjoying a can of Pepsi that I poured into a glass filled with ice. Pepsi isn't as bad as I thought.

I'm having the hardest time getting back to my homework. Family had a family meeting and it really just messed up my flow for the day. Killer gets off from drill at 4, then he's gotta drive home so I'm holding everything in until then.

I also had to change my dancewear line to lingerie which is harder than I thought. All the details, all on Illustrator, ALL COMPLETE BY THURSDAY. 28 PIECES, 2 ILLUSTRATIONS, PORTFOLIO-READY, OH MY GAHD.

Water and Lime?

Saturday was the "Only for Pretend" art show and boy was the turn out fabulous! Jam-packed, great crowd, great art, great vibe, great snacks *ahem* wine, cheese and crackers, red velvet cupcakes, water and lime (sneaky vodka tonics). Pahee sold about...5 of 8of his works during the reception and about 20 of his designs were printed onto shirts and sold! Peter, Dee, and Jump have to head back to the city tomorrow to pick up their shirts because they ran out of prints!

Afterwards a bunch of us went to Namu for some amazing Korean-fusion, Soju, and 3 rounds of sake thanks to the bomb-ass owner David! About to head back =)

Now for my epic homework list....I can't even list it. All I know is that I will run off of a couple 5 hour energies, crying fits, and the new concentrated Red Bull shots.

And on top of my homework pile I have to work on my sister's grad party (she's definitely not going to help out, so I have to recruit Suwanna from Antioch on Thursday), Project Michelle, Save the Thai Temple, Open House performances with Fremont Temple, and tomorrow morning my cousin, who's kinda irresponsible (both in his actions and financial stability), keeps getting kicked out all his relatives homes across the country is seeking refuge at my house. Gotta be family for him but I also gotta hide my valuables. Eh....

So Tired!

I am so tired all the effing time! Here's my school schedule:

Monday 12:00 - Pattern Drafting Procedures (6 hrs.)

Wednesday 8:30 Computer Grading, Marking, & Cutting (3 hrs.)

12:00 Creative Design Applications (3 hrs.)

Thursday 12:00 Computer Aided Fashion Design (3 hrs.)

3:00 Creative Draping II (3 hrs.)

I only have one morning class, but every day that I have school, I get there at 7:45am. It's basically a MUST that I go to school that early because the BART parking lot fills up by 8:30. It also gives me time to do homework. I feel safer going to school that early because BART to San Francisco takes a good 30+ minutes and I have a difficult time calculating time plus distance.

So what I'm really trying to complain about is the fact that I'm at school for 11 hours a day for 2 days, and 8 hours on the other. Damn.

My work schedule is:

Tuesday 8 - 5

Friday 8- 5

I also go to school on Saturdays 9ish to 2ish to do my computer homework, which requires the use of Adobe Illustrator. I can't seem to find a free download of it ANYWHERE on torrent websites for Mac, plus I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to print my homework at school on the color printers because school computers are all PC's. Adobe Illustrator for full price is about $600, and a student discount website sells it for $200 (still a lot). That's why I have to go to school. Ugh.

By the way, I've also been going to the temple to play music again. Music is probably the most brain stimulation I get, other than pouring over numbers of students at work and dividing inches at school. It's absolutely ridiculous how bad my memory has gotten; I learned music on Tuesday and went back to practice on Friday with no clue. Luckily I have all year.

And why am I up at 2:15 in the morning when I have to wake up at 8 to go back to school?! Because I'm stupid. More so because I'm going to be exhausted anyway.

More to add to my sad life...I decided to be nice and make my sister's Halloween costume. She's going to be Max from Where the Wild Things Are. Hell no I am not doing it from scratch. I've been having her cut out the pattern pieces and I'm just sewing it together and adjusting the size. I'm also making my own Halloween costume (Pocahontas) because for work I get to go to the elementary schools to read books to the kiddies!

Another damn thing to add is that FIDM is involved with St. Vincent De Paul Society so there's a contest that the fashion design students are required to enter. We get a bunch of unwearable thrifty clothing, deconstruct it, and create something new. Selected garments will get featured in a fashion show, and selected "winning" garments will be featured at the freaking De Young Museum. So...stressed to the max, but I really want to do well and not produce a shit garment.

Ok. it's nearly 2:30. Peace. nvm, shoot me please!!!

Hard Times

I feel a little empty now. Less angry, less sad, less broken. Like a shadow or a memory of an open wound. A little less feeling; numb, if you will.

One of my downfalls is how uncomfortable I get with words. My phrases. The conversation. I tend to never say what I need to say; not because I refuse to share my feelings, but because I can't seem to get the words straight. I can't seem to vocally execute the pictures, moments, feelings in my head. I see the scene as it would on film; I can play it back, move it forward, in flashes, pause it, and slow motion. But the words never come clearly.

I forever told myself I would never be the embarrassing girlfriend; the one that pussywhips her other, spends his money, abuses his kindness, but the worst of them all: arguing in public. No, we didn't really argue, but there was a definite misunderstanding that went on in front of his friends.

I don't know how to completely appreciate this friendship we have when I am completely heartbroken at the same time. Being the one broken up with and having to listen to you speak about trying to meet other people; only remaining composed and positive when you also tell me that you were unsuccessful. Wanting to do everything you ask because I love you so much, even when I'm never involved with your special plans. Wanting to completely better myself as a person since I'm not good enough for you and your church. Your last kiss was so posionous, a cancer, but at the same time I feel your warmth spread through my body. The moment your lips left my cheek, I melted, but not the romantic way that I use to. This time it was like you were stealing the last of my happiness because of the reality that I can never kiss you back. I'm not allowed to...

I'm truly happy you're doing better. Being "the man I've always wanted to be". You had the positive reason to move one, I don't have one at all. All I had was the love we shared. But I think it's best you just leave me be. I can't be a good friend right now.